(This post is revised and reposted from last year)
This is an intervention. Glenn, I have every reason to believe that you are still a heavy cocaine user and you need help. Using the methods advanced by the "respected" Dr. Frist and after taking a close look at your many appearances on television, I can come to no other conclusion. You're a cocaine addict, and you're not recovering. It's not in your past, as you often claim. You're getting worse.
Dude, I've been a working musician most of my life - I've seen it more times than I care to think about. My first ever professional recording session back in the early 1980s featured a keyboard player who used so much coke that he was eventually reduced to a quivering mass of jelly. Trust me when I say that I know what it looks like and you show every symptom.
Let's start with the paranoia. Dude, that's one of the classic symptoms - paranoia. For the record, Obama isn't a Marxist, or a Socialist, or a dirty Commie Hippie, or a Secret Muslim - I personally know several of each of these and they all hate him. There isn't a Socialist (or whatever) on the planet who would hire Timothy Geithner. He's not trying to kill the government. He's not trying to raise the taxes of most people, although admittedly he is trying to raise yours - you are rich, after all. He's not trying to put microchips in people's bodies - no one is. You are confusing people with pets. Your paranoia is drug-fueled.
Let's talk about the impaired reasoning ability. Your chalk board demonstrations are the stuff of legend, but you misspell words. Your math doesn't always add up. You attempt to make analogies that any kid studying for the SATs would pass by as inadequate. These are mistakes a grown man shouldn't make. Face it, the drugs are impairing you.
Let's talk about the fact that you see lifelong enemies conspiring together. Racial socialists and radical Islamists working together? Even Michael Bay or McG would look at that combination in a script and say "that ain't fuckin' happening". The events unfolding in Egypt bringing about the collapse of western civilization? Dude, that's the cocaine talking.
Let's talk about your use of language. Fueled by your drug-enforced paranoia, you use a lot of run-on sentences and hop from topic to topic and idea to idea without the use of simple things like verbs. Unless you're a Kennedy (for whom it was an affectation) that's something you just can't get away with. Don't even get me started on that moment where you left language completely and barked like a dog a nearly a minute. Dude, I know you're trying to contribute to the dialogue but barking like a dog doesn't do it on any level - and no one would think so without the drugs.
And dude, using the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech last year to further these talks? What inspired that one? Were you back in your office with a couple of buddies laughing and saying things like, "Dude, dude - I know, I know, I know what would be sooo hilarious. Dude, it's brilliant, hear me out…" Dude, that's the cocaine talking.
Dude, the crying on television? The fact that this doesn't embarrass you in any way means that you think it's a good thing to do. You're not on a soap opera, are you? Again, that's the cocaine talking.
You've laughed off killing people by lighting them on fire, by poisoning them, and by calling for others to take some form of ambiguous action. Sure, some of this is the quest for ratings but the inspiration comes from the coke. You're not a staff writer for some cop/legal/forensic drama - that's the coke talking.
Even your haircut screams "Cocaine addict!" It didn't look good on the oldest brother in the "Home Alone" movies and if you think it looks good on you… well, that's the cocaine talking.
I'm truly sorry Glenn, but this is for your own good. You need help my man, you need help. We're happy to help you get it. You've got decent health insurance, so this is probably covered. Let's try to get you clean and sober. We want you to get better - we honestly do. I know it's tough, but we need to lock you away until you can admit to yourself and to all of us the one thing that we already know. Dig deep into your faith, my man, and say out loud the one thing that must be your first step.
Repeat after me, "I am addicted to cocaine."
Cheap shots (get yer drink on):
I refuse to put that ® symbol after their names. That's right - I'm a rebel. If this gets me in trouble I'll just refer to them as Bitch® and Bitch Lite®.
From the "It couldn't fucking happen in America" file, comes the real meaning of WWJD. I have real hope for Egypt and yes, it's an alien feeling.
Everyone, let's not lose sight of the fact that even though rape rape isn't redefined, the bill is still a fucking insult to women everywhere. And it gets worse.
Stephen King has some thoughts about the upcoming movie remake of The Stand, and they don't involve Molly Ringwald.
16th? Even I didn't know that.
Rand Paul makes a play to join the cast of Jersey Shore with a quick Fuck You My Friend.
It's not up there with the Mayor taking a shower with two Los Angeles DJ's (which happened here in San Francisco 14 years ago) but it is theater.
Given the truth of this, shouldn't we have more people of color (and I don't mean false ones like Orange) in congress?
The Soldier of Orange has been fucking women who aren't his wife! Yeah, it's from the National Enquirer but keep in mind that they broke the John Edwards Fucking story, so they've earned some credibility on this type of thing.
You know, if the individual mandate is the real problem, then why don't we start working towards dumping it?
As we're in the year of the 100th anniversary of the birth of the man who led me to coin the phrase "The Reagan Error" allow me to remind you about one thing he cared about more than AIDS: UFO's.
And because I love you, The Alan Parsons Project
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