Hillary, please don't run.

Dear Ms. Clinton:

I am addressing you as such because you’ve held so many titles over the years I don’t really know which to use. Madame Senator? Madame Secretary? Hillary? I’ll stick to what I’d use if I were writing a letter, which coincidentally is what I am doing. I am here to urge you NOT to run for President.

Don’t get me wrong – I think you’d be a good president. I’d vote for you. I think that Bill Clinton would make a great first lady. I’m just not sure that you or anyone else could survive what you will have to go through to become President and to run the country effectively. You’re a good campaigner and 2008 showed that. You put in one hell of a race and the Democratic Party loves you. If you were to run you could probably get the nomination without too much trouble.

That’s not the problem. It’s the general election that will be bruising. It will be the ugliest Presidential election in the history of this country. Much uglier than when the opposition were just trying to stop the black kid.

For starters, let’s remember that there are people in the Republican Party who believe in all their hearts that you murdered a man. All the crap you had to put up with on Benghazi is nothing compared to the movies that will come out regarding the death of Vince Foster. Hell, they’ve been ready for eight years for this one.

Because you’re a woman, and a smart woman, you will have to face things that the Kenyan-Muslim-Marxist black boy never had to face. Come across too strong and you’re a bitch. Come across too week and you’re a soap opera. Come across too smart and you’re ugly. Come across too dumb and you’re a Fox News anchor. It’s a very fine line and most women with your skill set don’t have to deal with it because they don’t need to be liked by huge segments of the population – but you would have to. It’s not fair. It’s horribly unfair. But it is what it is.

Remember that campaign stop in 2008 where you did a shot and a beer with the locals? That’s going to be used against you. You’ll be portrayed as a “Girls Gone Wild” cautionary tale.

Nude photos of you exist. You know this because of the college you went to – they took photos of everyone as part of a study conducted. Those photos are going to come out. So will many many fake ones. Women who look like you are going to get paid a lot of money to pretend to be you in porn.

You are going to be portrayed as an old hag. Face it, you’re going to celebrate your 69^th birthday in the middle of the campaign (Full disclosure – I will be celebrating my 52^nd). The last three Presidents, including your husband, were young men with a penchant for appearing virile in public. After a quarter century of young men in the job being an older woman is a disadvantage in a country that dropped Brooke Shields from magazine covers shortly after she graduated high school. Notice that the men being groomed on the Republican side for 2016 are all young – this is no accident. Again, it’s not fair but it is what it is.

You’re going to be portrayed as out of touch because you’re not holding public office currently. Yes, it will have only been for a short time and others have done it successfully, including Bill Clinton, but it’s still going to happen.

You’re going to be portrayed as an ultra-liberal. You’re not one (Full disclosure – I know this because I AM one and you are very little like me) but it’s still going to happen. It takes a village? Health Care Reform? All of the child advocacy work you’ve done in your life?

You’re going to be portrayed as a war-mongering reactionary. You’ve supported wars and military actions over the past 15 years that Republicans have also supported, but have only done so half-heartedly when someone in the opposition also supports it. Drones became a part of foreign policy under your watch and they’re going to hang that around your neck, especially if Rand Paul becomes the Republican nominee.

You’re going to be pilloried because you have been a successful lawyer. If there is anything that the Republican party has shown public disdain for, it’s a litigator and you’ve been a very successful one. Never mind the fact that there are many successful litigators in office who are Republicans. Remember, trial lawyers are the problem with the legal system and the huge awards that get handed out when a corporation gets caught doing wrong.

Whitewater. It’s coming back and Darryl Issa will be leading the charge. Or something.

The ghost of Monica Lewinski will make a comeback. Not Ms. Lewinski herself but the specter of what she meant and the damage done to your marriage. It will be used as character assassination and people will use the fact that your husband strayed as a judgment on you. It’s not fair, but it is what it is. Women get blamed for their husband’s infidelities all the time. Ever see a movie?

Your re-shaping of the role of First Lady will be examined in minute detail. So will the anticipated role of your husband as First Dude. Who will be in charge, Bill or Hillary? You will be portrayed as a vessel and a puppet of the master manipulator that is your husband. You will be portrayed as nothing more than a shadow and the instrument of Bill Clinton running the country again.

Your hairstyle, whatever that will be and whatever it was, will be a campaign issue.

Dick Morris’ head will explode, and you’re going to be blamed. Okay, that one’s a positive. I have to grant that.

You are a smarter person than any of the men being groomed to run on the Republican side for 2016. How do men react when confronted with a woman who is smarter than they are? Do they accept it graciously? Hell no. They lash out and find any method of attack they can. Men in general do not have a great track record in reacting to the words of a woman who is smarter than they are. Men don’t want women to be smarter than they are. It’s horribly unfair, but it is what it is.

If you win the nomination the Republicans are going to try to resurrect Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee would be the worst thing this country could have as a President. He’s a misogynistic jackass who knows how to portray himself as likeable, has a history in the same state you have, and like any other preacher has no business running this country. But he could win – he’s very good at public appearances and has more charisma than you do.

All kinds of bullshit is going to climb out of the woodwork. In an age where a college dropout can edit video together so that it means whatever he wants it to mean and forces a charity to close their doors the level of meanness that will come out will be unprecedented. You are going to have to deal with things far worse than I have written about here – things even I haven’t imagined. It’s going to be ugly as all hell and more expensive than any election prior.

We need a Democrat to follow up the Obama administration. If that doesn’t happen, all of the good works he has accomplished will be dismantled. That is what the Republicans are going to run on in 2016, do not doubt that. You are the front-runner right now. But I’m not certain the country can take a situation WORSE than one where half of congress thinks of the President of The United States as “that boy who doesn’t know his place.” If the next President is someone that an entire branch of government thinks of as a person who “doesn’t know their place” the obstructionism we are experiencing now will look like the good old days.

Having said all of that, I want to be wrong. I will happily be wrong. I also don’t see anyone else in the party stepping up or even being capable of stepping up. I don’t have a better solution. Also, listening to me would only prove that you have no business running anything – I should not be your advisor under any circumstances.

So I guess we wait and see if I’m wrong or not.

Cheap Shots (remember to drink a shot for every curse word. I’m drinking rum today):

Hey, guess what! Tell the truth about the consequences of fucking and teen pregnancy drops by HUGE numbers!

Friends!

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I may never be able to visit Virginia again. That blows (drink!)

I haven't been to Detroit since I was a kid. This is sad, but it's been engineered.

Ops!

What is it about these people and fucking animals?

If your congresscritter is one of the people who voted this down, you should hunt them down and tase them.

Really? This guy? Please please please please please make him the nominee. On another note what the HELL happened to politico.com? Someone turned off their bullshit detectors...

Well, since I started writing Detroit went un-bankrupt. Mostly because a federal judge called bullshit on how it was done.

And because I love you, Daft Punk featuring Paul Williams.