Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Transcript as prepared:

I have a prepared statement. Stepping away from matters fiscal for a moment, it amazes me that we’re having discussions about contraception and women’s health as if it’s not a settled issue. We settled this shit back in the 1970s. The fact that it’s being brought out again in an effort to marginalize women tells me that the dicks who opposed it all back in the day are dying and that this is their death rattle.

At least the optimist in me likes to think so. The part of me that likes to screw with people wants to get T-shirts made that say “SLUTFUCKER”.

Anyway, one of the things about all of this that strikes me the most is the words of that frothy Presidential Candidate knows as Rick Santorum. He has gone on and one about how sex is only for pro-creation, even within the confines of marriage. You fuck, you have kids. That’s it.

I’m not going to feel sorry for his wife because it appears to me that she went into her relationship with her husband voluntarily, and I suspect there is a vibrator hidden in that part of the closet to which he never ventures. Probably a Steely Dan. Just speculation – I could easily be wrong. But the idea that sex is just for the makin’ of the babies is just plain wrong.

I’ve been married for almost 20 years to the same woman. I am an angry, flawed man with an ego the size of Rush Limbaugh’s Viagra prescription and somehow this wonderful woman puts up with me. We have raised two children, both teenagers – one of whom will soon be going off to college. We’re done with that phase and are not going to have any more children.

So let’s just talk about sex.

Now kids, cover your ears for a few seconds because this revelation may shock you (and will make my daughter yell “DAaaaaAD!!!” when she hears it) – but my wife and I have sex all the time, and we practice safe sex. She is no slut – and I’m sure I speak for every happily married man out there when I say that if you call our wives sluts you will receive a pineapple to the cloacae with much force.

Sex between consenting adults makes a relationship stronger, from my experience. There is no moment more silly, more unguarded, more together then those moments where every last bit of you is shared with another person. We have made each other laugh. We have made each other feel safe. We have stepped into each other's feelings. We have made each other horny as all hell. We have shared moments that can never be shared with another person. These things have made us closer, and we both look forward to them. These are moments of happiness and joy between us – and if you don’t feel the same then you’re doing it wrong.

Or to paraphrase a character called Raven from the comic strip Questionable Content, “I used to get hung up on it too until I realized that fucking is fun!” We call it making love for a reason.

Yes, sex has the purpose of making kids. But it means so much more to me, my wife, and millions upon millions of people who have been fucking in and out of wedlock, gay and straight, for as long as the urge has been there. To try and bring what it means to all of us into a mean and narrow definition is government interference at its most obscene. It’s Orwellian, not small government Republicanism, and you out to be ashamed of yourselves.

Of course, I doubt that you actually understand shame, given how effortlessly you attempt to bestow it upon others. Freud had a term for that – you should Google it.

Finally, I have a comment for the Arizona legislature, which is pushing though a bill that would make it legal to fire someone for suspected fucking – You dare to call the President a Muslim when you take social advice from the Taliban playbook? The Taliban is alive and well and it’s you, motherfucker.