Wednesday, September 30, 2015

If I were a Congressman at the Planned Parenthood hearing:

Congressman Me: Ms. Richards, if I may, I would like to direct this inquiry to the Unobtanium problem.

(Planned Parenthood President Celie) Richards: Excuse me Congressman?

Me: The Unobtanium problem. As we have seen documented extensively in footage I’m sure by now everyone on this committee has seen, we have spent Billions of dollars in support of the extraction of the ore Unobtanium with little success, despite the presence of military support. We have all seen footage of these 10-foot tall blue feline creatures that make up the indigenous population of the mining site that have been sabotaging our ability to extract materials that we have invested heavily in…

(Committee Chair Rep Jason) Chaffetz: Sir, what are you doing?

Me: I am asking a question about the waste of resources.

Chaffetz: I believe you are talking about the movie Avatar.

Me: Oh, did I watch the wrong movie?

Chaffetz: Please take this hearing seriously, do you have any questions regarding Planned Parenthood and the usage of funds for the questionable activities brought up by the videos that have been circulating?

Me: That is what I am doing.

Chaffetz: You are discussing a movie.

Me: So are you. We have called this hearing to discuss the activities shown in a movie.

Chaffetz: This is about evidence…

Me: With all due respect Mr. Chairman it is about no such thing. It is about a piece of film that has been edited to show a specific perspective. Whether it is a good or bad perspective is up for debate but when this has been done to anything filmed we call that a MOVIE. It’s not evidence, it’s fodder for Rotten Tomatoes.

Chaffetz: Please do not turn these proceedings into a circus.

Me: It’s already a circus. I just brought popcorn.

Cheap Shots:

Would you like to buy a candidate?

I actually knew Kevin McCarthy as a kid. I had to be reminded because he made no impression upon me at all, even though he was a neighbor. Must be why he feels the need to scream.

Don’t worry Wisconsinites, your fake deer are safe.

I think this is a great idea, but it makes me wonder if Bill de Blasio is planning to run for President someday.

You might not have noticed in all of the late night noise but Larry Wilmore is fantastic. Here he talks about the 2nd amendment right to shoot your dick off.

If you haven’t seen this yet, you should:

Just how rich is Bruce Wayne? Let’s use science to find out.
By the way, I don’t care that Pope Francis met with Kim Davis. She’s not Catholic so unless she converts it doesn’t matter one damned bit.
No, I’m not following @Snowden on twitter. I do however find it hilarious that he follows the NSA.
If the Pharmaceutical Industry were a country it would have the 16th greatest GDP on the planet, just ahead of Indonesia, Turkey, Australia, Spain and Taiwan.
37 days. Why 37?
And now for a moment of Zen: