Okay you fuckers, die.

Today the House of Representatives passed a bill that would prohibit the teaching of a constitutionally legal medical procedure. If you or your school receives federal funding - and face it, that's everyone these days - then you cannot teach or be taught how to provide an abortion.

Doctors all over the world and here in America are taught procedures that they may never use. Why? Because they become necessary even when they're not part of your practice. Imagine some poor woman having just been in an auto accident who is 4 months pregnant. The baby dies. In such a circumstance the woman in question would need an abortion to save her life, and these fuckfaces have just decided that they can't learn how to do it.

Doctors have to have a complete understanding of everything that is possible in the human body. That includes things they or you might not find palatable. My own doctor doesn't perform prostate exams, but she knows how to do one. When I had one last year I could have a conversation with her about it because she understood the procedure and how it all worked, and how it tied to other parts of the body. The knowledge is important, because otherwise you have a doctor who is ignorant of what is possible in the human body. Doctors who don't keep these skills up are lawsuit magnets.

So the House of Representatives have passed a bill that says that Doctors cannot know how a certain procedure works, and what it's possible effects are. This puts them at a disadvantage of treating anyone who has had an abortion, because they would not understand the potential effects and affects on the person who has been through this. This is fucking insane.

Enough.

I posted on facebook yesterday that I would pay good money to anyone who would say "Eric Cantor, fuck you" on the floor of the House of Representatives for his position that tornado victims should not receive assistance unless another government program is cancelled. That was appalling. This is even worse.

My top of page claim has always been the question "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I try to see good in people, but there is no good in this. It is just plain evil. These are bad people. Mean people. People with no empathy in their bodies. They're fucking liars.

People like this shouldn't exist - you would expect to find them in some cheap pot-boiler thriller - maybe a Tom Clancy novel - but in real life these people don't deserve the dignity they have been afforded, nor the kindness of strangers as they are unwilling to extend the same courtesy to others.

This is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard, and given some of the stupid things I've written about that's really saying something. This congress, led by the Republicants, have done nothing constructive in the 5 months they've held office. Not one fucking thing, but many a stupid thing. It's a pity that we can't just chuck the whole lot of them out and start again.

Cheap shots:

The Undefeated? Really? Um, really? Bitch™, you lost!!!

I wonder if this is an intentional step towards moving to join Keith Olbermann.

The offices of Faux News are Soviet.

And because I love you, The Blue Aeroplanes (not a video - just close your eyes and listen)

Lack of silence

I'm having one of those weeks where I really don’t know what to rant about. Sure, I could go on about how The Bitch™ called David Gregory a racist in his questioning of Newt, but that's like saying a bleached out Burt doll was racist against the Pillsbury Doughboy. It just doesn’t make sense and most of us can already see it. I could go on about the impending Rapture coming tomorrow, but I have plans. I could talk about the uproar about Obama's Israel/Palestine speech, but the reality is that if you take the editing out the policy isn't anything different than what the last few Presidents has said.

All in all, it's hard to beat John Lithgow's amazing performance of this (the magic starts about 3:15 in, but watch the whole thing to get context):

The Colbert Report
Tags: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

And I was hoping for  a "Bigbooty/bigbooteh" joke, but alas.

I like to go exploring the interwebtubethingy on Fridays because a lot of truly astonishing crap gets dumped in the hopes that no news organizations pick these things up. Therefore it is time to bring back…

Cheap shots (get your drink on - I counted 7 of them):

Depends on what your definition of "is" is. Take a drink if you get the alliteration.

I have to wonder, now that we're heading for default who places the call to the deadbeat and what phone number do they use?

Those were for on-line colleges? I thought it was for phone sex!

You know, it's obvious but you have to ask, what the fuck have some people been smoking?

The CDC is sometimes awesome.

Now what?

You know, it never would have occurred to me that this was illegal.

Um, that thing in your belly - could it be another kid instead? (Yeah, that was low - I'm an asshole. Take a drink.)

I told you so.

If you live in North Carolina it might just suck to be you, for a whole new reason.

Really? Not "Waterloo"?

Somebody tase this rapturefuck.

Most people like me are going to see a lawsuit coming. I'm wondering if Jim Beam got a similar break.

Does your decision come with a free 2-liter soda?

I bet the truth is that he really asked about the lack of flash on the iPad.

Muslims selling urine-laced popsicles to our children is an epidemic? I think that the whole idea of having a mental filter in one's mind is no longer taught to people. Seriously bitch, think crazy as much as you want but be polite. And stay away from the Tim Burton-themed acid.

Finally, no link, but it's been five month Republicants. WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING JOBS BILL?

And because I love you, Rik Emmett with Dave Dunlop

Confirmation consternation

As you know, when someone is better than me I will give you their writings as opposed to my own. Such is one case today, about the potential confirmation of Goodwin Liu to the 9th Circuit Court, written by Adam B. of Daily Kos.

You need to read this.

Cheap shots:

In all fairness Newt, no one plays Trivial Pursuit anymore.

Stupid in Texas. I think it's their state motto.

I imagine that it doesn't help when a Presidential candidate is called this by the man who last held the nomination for his party.

My son is considering college in Wisconsin, because there is a school with one hell of a jazz program there. But this complicates things.

One of the saddest parts about all of this is how everyone is harping over the fact that that the woman in question isn't some babe in her late 20's.

There's a shorter version of Newt's amazing walkback: "I lied."

Aw, give her a break. It was early in the morning and she's a tiny old lady with a lot to do in the day. Hell, most of my friends can't drink the stuff because it's too rich for them. If it had been me though, I'd have needed a second pint.

It's snark, but maybe he really is the only hope the Republicants have.

This is actually a big deal, given how bloody rich the man is.

More Newt News! I'm expecting Beowulf any minute now.

The next time you feel sorry for yourself, keep in mind that this kid was blown up and has a more positive attitude than you.

Oops.

And because I love you, Chicago

What the hell is wrong with Ahnald?

When the news broke last week that California's royal couple, Arnold and Maria, broke up it sent shock waves through the state. They seemed inseparable, even though they were political opposites in many respects. Arnold liked to joke that he was the Republican Kennedy and Maria stood with him through thick and thin while at the same time supporting causes that her husband was against. They were living proof that differences could be set aside for great purpose.

Well we all know what the problem is now; Arnold fathered a child with another woman 10 years ago. He was a douchebag and hid it, but he came clean with it after the end of his time as the Governator and Maria did the logical thing and moved on. The California Republican party is going to need a new person to run for Senate next time.

But it's how Arnold is handling himself now that has caught my attention. He knows he screwed up. He knows this is his fault. And he's done something that almost no other politician caught in this position has done; he's manned up. Check out these words (emphasis added by me):

"After leaving the governor's office, I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry. I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not."

Bravo you fucking idiot, bravo. When was the last time you heard a politician say something like that? Hell, Newt Gingrich actually has the audacity to blame his patriotism for having an affair with a staffer (um, yeah, let's run that one up the flagpole). But not the Governator. He flat out said I fucked up and I deserve what I'm getting, but stay the hell away from the people who have no blame to share. He's not asking anyone to help cover for him. He's accepted that he's going to have a target on his back for a while.

Sure, he hid it for a decade from everyone. That takes a real asshole. But when the moment came that he wasn't going to be able to hide it anymore he fessed up like the villain in the last act of an episode of The Closer. I'm not saying it's a good thing. I'm not saying that it is excusable. But it's a step better than just about everyone else in the public eye caught in the same pattern.

I'm not going to argue with you the whole point about whether or not this should have disqualified him as Governor. I think valid arguments can be made both ways. The real fact is that he did something sleazy and then hid it for 10 years - everything else is window dressing. I don't think many of us really considered Arnold a "Family Values" Republicant, despite the talk, simply because of his misogynistic and very public life on film and elsewhere. I think we all figured that since Maria stood by him, that was good enough for the rest of us.

Until now.

Maybe Arnold was trying to be more like a Kennedy than we thought. (okay, that was low.)

My whole point is that Arnold has effectively given up on national politics with this move. He has been a loyal Republicant for as long as I can remember, but the party has moved far to the right of some of his stands - which actually worked well for him in California. But he's not acting like this is at least partially someone else's fault - which no politician seems to do any more. I guess this really does mean that we're going to have another Terminator movie.

But I'll bet that animated "Governator" cartoon series is toast.

Cheap shots:

Why the fuck is this news?

And why isn't this bigger news? They haven't come for you - yet.

This is a good ruling, but I'd like you to remember that it would be different if one person voted differently.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; Mike Huckabee is one of the most dangerous people in the United States.

Face it people, Walker is just a douchebag.

It looks like the Newt candidacy will do to the Republicant party the same thing he did to them in the 90s.

Weaponized watermelons.

For once, I think John McCain has good reason to lose his temper at someone.

I am perfectly willing to believe that the porn wasn't Bin Laden's. None of the porn in my house is mine, after all.

The crew of the current Space Shuttle mission (the one with Congresswoman Gifford's husband on board) has their own Star Trek poster.

You know, maybe Ron Paul is actually an anarchist.

It appears that the end of the world is based upon a story problem.

By the way, time.

So America didn't follow him so he thinks that Israel will?

Only Jon Stewart can mock someone to their face and use the word "pettifog" in the same sentence.

Maybe they elected this moron so that they could laugh at him.

And to think, once upon a time I kinda liked this asshole.

Feingold names names.

Unclear on the concept.

And because I love you, electronic

And because I've been away for a bit I'll give you a second one, King Crimson

The big lie

You all probably know by now, my faithful reader(s), that I tend to rant against the lies told mainly by the right and accepted by the left. I'm going to expose a big one right now; the idea that government has a spending problem. It's a lie, and until we get ourselves out of that narrative we're fucked. Let me explain it to you the way we should all be explaining it in town meetings and tea party gatherings.

Let's say a man earns $70k per year. It's not a ton of money but it's enough to feed his family and keep a roof over their heads, and to have a bit of fun with that same family. It's not perfect but a man can build a life out of it. Alas, the man loses his job - for any of a number of reasons. The why isn't important - just the fact that the $70K income is now gone.

The man searches for a job, but cannot find one immediately at the same level of pay he had been receiving. Instead, he takes a job earning $45K per year - for no other reason than that it's better than nothing. He can still keep his family fed. He has to cut corners and the bills are going to start to pile up, but he can provide the basics for his family.

Question: Does this man have a spending problem? The answer is no, he does not. His problem is that he isn't earning as much money as he had been.

Now if we take this example to the macro-economic scale that the Republicant party suggests, the recommendation is that he cut down on his spending and tighten his belt. After all, that's what they want the government to do - spend less money and not increase the amount of money they have. It's like saying to that man with the lower paying job to just go ahead and accept where you are.

Screw that. I'm telling that man to keep looking for another $70K job. It's the only way he's going to get the life he used to have back for his family.

What it all boils down to is class warfare. The Republicants are setting up a mindset where everyone needs to accept where they are in life right now. If you're poor then it sucks to be you. If you're rich why not stay that way? It's the same for the entire country. The government is that man who is working for $45K after losing a sizeable chunk of income to the Bush tax cuts. The country lost its revenue, and now has to tighten the belt in order to keep functioning. The Republicants say that this is good enough.

And that's the big lie. It isn't good enough. There is that higher paying job out there, and unlike a normal job seeker the government can increase revenue easily. Yes, it involves raising taxes. But that guy earning $45K or even $70K isn't going to feel the sting of it. It needs to be hitting the people who won't feel the sting of it very much. The rich and the very rich. The companies who have an effective tax rate far below what it is supposed to be. The people who have a limit on their Social Security tax because they earn more than the upper limit set. Face it, a few thousand dollars for these people doesn't mean the same thing as it does to that man earning $45K.

Because we need more revenue, just like that man.

No cheap shots today, and I'll probably be away the rest of this week.

But because I love you, Chance & The Lucky Aces (with apologies to my French friends)

So, what shall we talk about?

Sometimes the topic of conversation is going to be obvious. It's like that moment in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the nazi torturer walks in on a prisoner and says, "So, Miss Ravenwood, what shall we talk about, hmm?" After Obama announced last night that he had actually been doing his job while everybody tried to turn the presidential race into next season's version of The Apprentice, there was cheering to be expected and face it, this is what people want to talk about. But there are some dickheads who don't want to give the President the credit he deserves.

Joe Scarborough on MSNBC told his viewers that the President made the decision to kill Osama bin Laden even though it would alienate his base. Mike Huckabee, The Bitch™ and Rick Santorum couldn't bring themselves to acknowledge that the operation was ordered by the President. Faux News put up the banned "Obama bin Laden is dead". Michelle Bachman called this the start of the end of "Sharia-compliant terrorism". Donald Rumsfeld called the President wise for only doing what his predecessor did (um, who got this done again?).

Hell, The Drudge Report complained that the President broke into The Apprentice to make the announcement just to show up Donald Trump. Trump himself at least gave credit where it was due. Even the man that President Obama replaced gave full credit. So did Darth Vader - although he later claimed that torturing people led us to him. Rush Limbaugh, on the other hand, claimed that bin Laden would still be alive if the President weren't in trouble for re-election. Hey Rush, you fat turd, is anyone running against him yet? I hear crickets.

Still waiting for John McCain to weigh in. I expect I won't have to wait long - he's on every damned news show on the planet.

And there's the other side, with commentary that is just as creepy. One that I've seen is a LOLcat picture of President Obama getting off of Air Force 1 that is captioned, "Sorry about the late birth certificate. I was busy killing bin Laden." I think it's kind of weird to celebrate the death of any man, even a mass murder, but I will acknowledge that there was no other way to do it. Luke Russert tweeted that he thought Penn State was a great school because they threw the best bin Laden is dead party.

And then there's Steve Martin; " Tonight, President Obama will announce that Clint Eastwood shot Osama Bin Laden."

The President gave one hell of a speech about it all last night, clearly labeling bin Laden as a man who was not a leader of Muslins, but a killer and a thug (Given that he used one of his wives as a human shield during the attack just goes to show how far he had strayed from the religion. You might not like how the Islamic world treats women, but one of the first rules is that the husband must protect the wife at all costs.) Obama addressed every angle, and he did it well. You can see the speech here.

And of course the nuts are going to come out. There are people already claiming the photos were faked. And because he was buried at sea and there is no body anymore some people are going to be spotting him with Elvis and Bruce Lee. Personally, I think Bruce will kick his ass and Elvis' hips will give the man an epileptic fit, but hey.

My own comment? Only one. Mission actually accomplished. Now can our soldiers come home?

Also, given the amazingly funny speech the President gave at the White House Correspondents Dinner less than 24 hours earlier, it's nice to have a President who can multi-task. It's also nice to know that the man can mock a fake rival mercilessly while doing it again on an unseen level - ribbing Trump for firing Gary Busey (and calling it the kind of decision that would keep him up nights) while knowing behind his smile that he had given the order to take bin Laden only hours earlier. This President is a smart man.

Cheap shots:

Oh, and if John McCain were President, Osama bin Laden would still be alive.

Guess who else was announced as dead on May 1st? Maybe they'll make a commemorative coin.

This man, as much as anyone, has a right to feel relief.

You can now find bin Laden's hideout on Google Maps.

Everyone cue up the tiny violins.

@KatieS is my heroine!

And because I love you, Fitz and the Tantrums

Birthback

It was a bad move to release the birth certificate today. It's never really been about whether or not Mr. Obama meets this particular constitutional requirement to hold the job he does. It's always been about finding creative ways to avoid using the word "nigger".

Faux News' immediate headline was "The White House releases what it claims to be the long form birth certificate." Orly Taitz (who isn't qualified to hold the job for the same reason) is claiming that he has a false social security number. Donald Trump is saying that "he wants to verify the information" and now wants his college transcripts released (you first, asshole). The World Daily News, the fishmonger who claims to be a newspaper, started by saying that this only answers one question about whether or not he is eligible - and not the countless others. One columnist who works there has already written a book that claims that Obama is the child of another couple taken in by his grandparents, and has already said that this changes nothing. Phil Berg - one of the original people to file a lawsuit, now says that he gave up his citizenship and is Indonesian. Others are claiming it is a forgery. Jonah Goldberg has gone so far as to claim that it was held on to for so long without being release in order to stir up the crazy and then sucker-punch his opponents into a guilt-by-association problem.

There's a line in "Total Recall" (the version with Arnold Governator) where the big conspiracy gets finally revealed by Ronny Cox (who played the villain) and Arnold's character is so dumbfounded by it that he proclaims it to be the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. "It's too perfect," he says. Cox gets the best line in the movie in his response, "Perfect? I amazed it worked!" He then goes on to explain everything that went wrong, which has made up the brunt of the movie thus far. The point is, dude, that you couldn't plan out something like this.

I firmly believe in the President's efforts to defeat the stupid. But this isn't about stupid. It's about people not wanting a black man to be President. There is a base belief in this country that a black man should have to put up with a certain level of humiliation in order to be perceived as a success by the white man. John McCain wasn't even born in the U.S. and he didn't have to put up with this bullshit.

Okay you fucknuts, here it is. To be President one must be a "Natural Born Citizen". Check. The man was born in Hawaii, the son of an American Citizen. Nothing takes that away. Ever. If a child becomes a citizen of another land while still under the age of 18 they are hold citizenship in both places, by law. At age 18 the U.S. makes one choose. No choice had to be made in this case because there wasn't one to make. He is a U.S. Citizen. Also, to be President, one must be over the age of 35. Check.

There are no other requirements, except to maybe have a pulse.

The issue is a distraction, but it's not one that should have been engaged. It's taking the fight to their field and there is no way to win against people who will cheat and lie on every play. It's not going to go away with this. It's going to get worse. You gave in to a group of bullies Mr. President, and you should never do that.

It was a good press conference though. I do wish, however, that instead of the word "silliness" you had used the word "bullshit."

Cheap shots:

As always, Jon Stewart rocks.

Maybe she thinks it should say "nigger".

So pay up you sanctimonious prick.

Stupid is as stupid does.

This is the shortest analysis of modern journalism I have ever seen. It is also the most accurate.

You need to make this a daily stop in your internet travels.

Hey there Bitch™, at least she made it to the end of her commitment to the people who put her there.

Sometimes I wonder if we're shuffling a regulation deck and an UNO deck at the same time.

Every parent on the planet should be issued a copy of this book.

Face it dude, the receipts went down as you expanded the number of theaters. In other words, it dissipated.

by the way, the Supreme Court is narrowly now a Republican rubber stamp.

And because I love you, Nickel Creek

By the way, it's been 115 days since the Republicants took over the House of Representatives, running on a platform of job creation. You can count the number of job bills they've introduced - let alone debated - on one finger. If you add 1.

I stomach L.A.

I'm originally from Los Angeles. I was born there. Although I wasn't raised there, I was raised close enough that I read the L.A. Times, and bled Dodger Blue. I went to UCLA for college. I lived within 5 miles of the beach for most of the time I lived there. As a kid I got to watch a fine minor leaguer named Ron Cey develop into a great talent. I watched bad movies on Saturdays with a soundtrack provided at the commercial breaks by Chuck Mangione's "Land of Make Believe". I watched Rose Bowl games.

I was born to be an Angelino.

That changed in no small way in 1994 when I left Los Angeles for San Francisco, but the real nail through the vampire's suntanned heart came in 1997, when the son of the man who brought the Dodgers to Los Angeles sold the team to Rupert Murdoch and Fox. On the surface it looked like a good deal - Fox owned the TV station where the Dodger games were broadcast already and this would turn into a huge revenue stream - but the very first thing they did was to fire (okay, "move into an office role") Tommy Lasorda, the manager behind the Dodgers great run in the 1970s and 1980s. It wasn't about the game, it was all about money. Having met Rupert Murdoch myself I can tell you that it's the man's only motivation.

A few years later he sold the team to Frank McCort and his family, and if you've been paying attention this year you know that Baseball itself took over the company to avoid having game receipts become part of the moneys paid to McCort's soon to be ex-wife. At the same time the bastard cousins of the great publisher Chandler had wrested control of the L.A. Times into the hands of a downsizing incompetent. When the mantra became to treat newspapers the same way you treat anything with public reporting - downsize and watch the stock go up - the newspaper lost its luster and its prize-winning reporting abilities. It's been in bankruptcy for over a year, and was just bought in a buyout so leveraged that it's likely to kill the retirement funds of the Tribune newspaper group.

And how did this all happen? How do you think?

It's all about the dollar, and the lust for it. Two great institutions of Los Angeles life have been brought to ruin by the house of the rising profit margin. George Steinbrenner's Yankees, as much as I hate that team, he lavished money on the team like it was his favorite grandchild and you have to respect what he built from that. The same didn't happen when an even richer man took over the Dodgers - although it could have. Instead it was to make more money off the TV revenues. The same happened to the Times - favorite and capable writers were done away with, ad space grown, features disposed of - all to insure that more profit was made from the same money.

Somewhere along the line, people forgot that when you love something that you work with, it can pay off better than any other type of effort. We've designed our society to do the same. No wonder it seems like we suck so much lately.

And alas, the bad movies run on the weekends no longer have Chuck Mangione either. Sometimes, you have to remember to simply have joy. That's why I've been gone for the past couple of weeks. I rant well, but I prefer to not have anger in my life.

It's why I'm an ex-Angelino.

Cheap shots:

Get you passports now, while you still can.

Mittens mucks it up.

Divorce!

Buh-bye you racist fuck.

Someone please point Dan Ackroyd to this article.

Hockey is tough.

Chuck Norris doesn't plagiarize. Other articles are so intimidated by his manly roundhouse typing that they insert themselves into his articles.

And so it begins.

So you think that maybe, just maybe, we overreacted just a bit?

Just what was he smoking when he said that?

And because I love you, Chuck Mangione

Atlas kneed in the face

You cannot get better snark than this, which I quote in full. After you've read this, you should go to http://sarahproudandtall.com/, read her fascinating life story, and friend her on facebook. Enjoy:

I can barely credit that they have made a movie from that turgid nonsense by Ayn Rand.

I have about eighteen copies of “Atlas Shrugged” – all signed in that self-consciously spiky handwriting of hers.

Every Christmas from 1957 onwards, a present would arrive from Ayn by ordinary post. It would be wrapped in festive newspaper, usually with a gift-tag recycled from last year, and every fucking time it would be a fucking copy of fucking Atlas fucking Shrugged.

They’re good for weighting down decoupage projects, although when it comes to slugging a nurse over the head when I want to sneak out to buy booze, nothing beats my signed first edition of “The Fountainhead”. Mind you, it might be easier just to read it to them. Whoo, what a stinker it is. Temazepam in libric form.

I do remember one year, however, when Ayn delivered the obligatory copy in person. It was 1959, or perhaps 1960. Frankly, I don’t care – I have found it’s better to leave the 50s and early 60s as an undifferentiated blur in my memory anyway.

My husband Keith and I were on a trip to New York for Christmas. We were staying with dear Bitsy and Freddy Trump, of course. Bitsy had organized her usual pre-Christmas dinner at the Four Seasons.

She was never content with just the Pool Room or just the Grill Room, so she always booked the whole place. Whenever she did, she’d pay the staff extra to leave the doors open, and then when people came in to ask for a table they had to say, “Yes, we are open, but there is no table for you. Off you fuck.” It did wonders for that place’s reputation. Two weeks after Bitsy’s first Christmas party, the Four Seasons was shooing the punters off with sticks, and there was a two week waiting list just to be sneered at by the maître d’.

Anyhow, there were just 20 of us for dinner sitting at a big table in the middle of the Pool Room. Bitsy had seated me next to her, which was fine, but bloody Ayn Rand was on the other side of me, with the usual pinched expression she always had in the company of the genuinely rich or the genuinely talented, dressed as usual like a marxist lesbian librarian, and clutching this year’s copies of that fucking book.

I had rolled my eyes at Bitsy when she told me about the seating plan. However, Bitsy explained that she couldn’t sit Ayn anywhere near Norman Mailer or he might go off with his penknife and that Jackie Kennedy had sworn to punch Ayn in the face next time she saw her after Ayn made that unfortunate quip about Gore Vidal and a torpedo boat captain. As a result it fell to me to sit next to her, if only because Bitsy knew I could distract Jackie with an oxycodone bottle if she got too close to our end of the table.
It was a lovely night.

Mailer was in good form and didn’t stab anyone, although I noticed him giving Gore the stink eye after the soup course. Capote got really annoyed and walked out after Gore managed to pick up a particularly cute, blond waiter and have him in the cloakroom, and Jack Kennedy smacked Henry Cabot Lodge, Jr. in the eye during dessert, but then made it up to Bitsy by doing his famous elephant imitation. He used to… well, let’s just say that Jack was never shy of waving his prehensile trunk around.

Ayn was pretty quiet all night. She was too busy stuffing everything she could reach into that enormous handbag of hers. That night, by my count, she managed to snaffle five or six spoons, two bread plates, a salt shaker and a gold lighter that Jackie took her eyes off for a moment too long.

After coffee, Gloria Vanderbilt brought out the really good blow and the party took off. Robert Frost read a frightfully dirty version of “The Road Not Taken”, then Gore persuaded his waiter friend to take off his underwear and give it to Keith, and then the rest of the dinner is eclipsed by a discreet and attractive transition effect, probably accompanied by some quiet tinkling music or a nice swooshing sound.

At the end of each Christmas party, Bitsy always used to leave her tips in a pile of little envelopes on the table, one for every staff member and with their name handwritten on the front. Waiters liked working Bitsy’s parties – she was a good tipper, and sometimes you got to sleep with Gore Vidal.

Anyway, Gloria and I had said our goodbyes and had wandered off to the restroom to re-powder our noses before setting off into the night. After about three lines each, we bounced out of the stall, bounced over Gore who was huddled in a corner with what was either waiter number three or Jack Kennedy in half a busboy’s outfit, and strolled back into the restaurant.

Everyone had gone home except Ayn. She didn’t see us come back in and, right in the view of all the staff who were cleaning up, she sidled over to the table, grabbed the little bundle of tips and stuffed them into her pocket.

Ayn looked around, and then gasped when she saw us right behind her. She started to say something but got cut off when Gloria punched her right in the stomach. She fell straight down like Teddy Kennedy on a vodka bender, and I managed to get her in the head with my knee as she fell.

We left her lying there for the waiters to pick over as they pleased.

I hope they all wore gloves.

Kick Lucy

So it's all going to boil down to the riders. Budget numbers have been essentially agreed to, depending upon who you believe, but the riders are killing the deal. The riders say we can't use the money to pay for Planned Parenthood. The riders say we can't use them to pay for abortions - even if the money doesn't come from the federal government. The riders say we can't use the money to cover the Environmental Protection Agency. The riders want to ban gay marriage in Washington D.C. The riders de-funds the Consumer Watchdog organization Obama set up. The riders put limits on the FDA. The riders prevents implementation of a consumer products complaint database. The riders prevent the Department of Education from implementing new rules for college loans. The riders put a moratorium on any payments made to people who have successfully sued the government and won. The riders say that that $1 you can donate to help fund Presidential Elections on your taxes can't be spent. The riders say that Health Care Reform cannot be implemented. The riders say no prisoners can be released from Guantanamo. The riders prohibit the ATF from investigating militia groups and persons who are stockpiling weapons. The riders shut down programs for the elderly and persons receiving financial assistance for housing. The riders prohibit pay raises for workers in hazard zones overseas. The riders block Net Neutrality. The riders de-fund the Job Corps. The riders prevent giving fresh fruits and vegetables to children who have subsidized school lunches. The riders say that the moneys from the recovery act cannot be used for signage, new energy, and if you haven't already spent it then it must be given back. The riders say that NASA cannot speak with China. The riders take away the salaries of every "Czar" in the White House.

They're taking hostages again.

This time, Mr. President, please don't cave in. The last time you negotiated with the Republicants in congress you likened it to them taking hostages, and you paid the ransom in order to keep things going. Well, they've done it again and they're not going to stop unless you crush them. So fucking crush them! The Republicant party controls 1/2 of 1 branch of government. That's all. It's obvious that our Speaker of Orange has little control over the people he is supposedly leading, so this is your moment to actually do something - lead.

Yes, the government is probably going to shut down. Yes, a large number of people are going to be hurt by this, probably including people I know personally. But it's not your fault. Every time you've extended an olive branch, every time you've compromised, the Republicants have moved the goalposts. Lucy keeps on pulling the football away.

Do you honestly think that anyone would get overly upset at Charlie Brown if he decided, just once, to kick Lucy? Sure, some people would - but most of us have been waiting decades for him to do it. Please, Mr. President, don't make us wait that long - we don't have that kind of time. Do it. Make the opposition either put up or shut up - you gain the advantage either way.

Come on Mr. President, kick Lucy.

Cheap shots:

Infrastructure matters, and is the solution to many of our problems. It's certainly cheaper than this.

Just how many ways can the Governor of Wisconsin fuck this up?

Movies condensed into a single frame.

Mike Huckabee might be the most dangerous man in America.

Gold from Jesus' General.

We say a preliminary goodbye to Glenn Beck with a quick look at his brain.

Yes, dude, you're a racist.

And so are all of you assholes.

A good reason to avoid Mississippi.

If Mr. Monsanto Scalp ™ is the ideal Tea Party Candidate, then maybe you should re-examine what the whole Tea Party thing actually means.

Two.

Seniors, here is the shorter version of Congressman Ryan's budget proposals: "Fuck you".

Someone needs to get better at Photoshop.

So, how long have you been a member of the Klan?

And because I love you, Rainbow

Did you miss me?

Even I'm surprised that I took a week off. I just didn't have anything to say. Not that anyone is reading this much. Sadness.

/emo

So today Barack Obama announced that he is running for re-election. No real shock there. there doesn't seem to be anyone in the Republicant party who will run against him, but I expect that will change shortly. Tim Pawlenty released another one of his Michael Bay-produced commercials today, so eventually I expect him to run. Or take a job at Universal. Let me tell you right now, I'm going to vote for him and support his run.

Yeah, I've given Obama some grief in my writings. He's not liberal enough. He compromises before any expectation of compromise is sought. His rhetoric and his actions are sorely mismatched. But the alternative is so much worse. I'm not talking about the lesser of two evils, but the difference between a man who is trying what appears to be his best verses a selection of people whose sole intent in life seems to be to destroy the country.

They want to be rid of Medicare within a decade. And yet these are the people who claimed that Obamacare would take money from Medicare. They're fucking liars. They want us to take the war to Quadaffihoweveritsspelled in Libya. Quite frankly, I'd rather have a foreign policy that thinks more than 45 seconds ahead. They want to get rid of Planned parenthood. They want to get rid of Pell Grants. They want cuts to Social Security - none of these things are necessary or desirable, unless you're a mean fucker.

They also don't like trains much, which seems to point to unhappy childhoods. Growing up I didn't know anyone, of any political stripe, who didn't love trains.

For all the things I don't like about the Obama administration, he's still managed to get one hell of a lot done. It hasn't been quick or easy, but progress has been made, and we do not need or want it stopped or taken in another direction. The progress that has been made could be easily wiped out and if we keep Obama in place then we keep this erosion in check.

Cheap shots:

Who knew that murdering 11 people paid so well?

Our Speaker of Orange appears to be getting ready to channel an episode of West Wing.

Hey Terry, why don't you go do this in Afghanistan?

He's Batman! (Spoken in an Austrian accent)

The "M" of "Run DMC" gets his due. And so does one of the best rebounders in history.

And because I love you, Sisters of Mercy